Healing and Honouring: Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Pregnancy and infant loss are complex and emotionally layered experiences in which the impacts are often invisible, misunderstood and/or generalized by our well-intentioned loved ones, community and professional circles. Many parallels exist between the social expectations of grieving periods for both late and early-stage pregnancy loss, as well as for infant loss.
Specifically, those who have experienced either pregnancy or infant loss may feel pressured to return to a “normal” equilibrium as soon as possible (whatever that means!). In some cases, those who have experienced these types of losses are often reminded of their initial success of conceiving, and therefore the pressure to start trying for your “Sunshine Baby” is thrust upon you. You might also feel pressured to return to work, family responsibilities (including parenting your older littles), and other life demands before you feel ready or able to give in these domains.
Despite the best (albeit, sometimes misguided) efforts of our friends, family and in some cases, our partners to provide support, you may still be holding intense feelings of anger, shock or even numbness — all feelings make sense here. Feelings of shame can often show up here as well — shame for the loss, shame for the grief — as you navigate your own set of complex emotions in tandem with the larger social expectations around “acceptable grief”. Shame has an incredibly powerful tendency to increase isolation and loneliness, rather than pull us into our circle of support during an intensely vulnerable period. Often, the messaging we receive about loss and grief is deeply incompatible with the reality that these experiences change us forever.
It is important to remember that pregnancy and infant loss elicit unique emotional responses from those experiencing the loss. This means that it’s always good to ask what your loved one needs rather than looking for that elusive fix-all statement or gesture. For those experiencing grief or for those supporting a grieving loved one, please hold onto the following — Grief is messy. Grief is not time-limited. Grief holds important wisdom.
If you have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, please know that you are not alone. The following tips can be helpful when processing the loss of a pregnancy or infant:
Honouring Your Baby
Many bereaved parents find healing and peace in the act of memorializing their baby, no matter the stage in which they experienced their loss. This could look like:
lighting a candle on due dates, birthdays or significant anniversaries
framing or including photographs of your child or ultrasound photographs in family photo albums
talking about and remembering your child openly
planting a tree or garden to honour your child’s life.
Feel All Your Feelings
All of your feelings are valid. The anger you feel? Valid. The jealousy you feel when you see other parents caring for their child? Valid. The anxiety, hopelessness, lost-at-sea feeling you can’t seem to shake? VALID! The only way out is through — that means the secret to processing your grief is really about experiencing and accepting the feelings as they come. No feeling is final and if you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, exhausted and burnt out, it can be helpful to do daily mood tracking, so that you know when you need to reach to your supports. For a helpful daily mood tracker, try this basic chart.
Take care of yourself in the process, with these helpful self-care tips.
You Can’t Rush Grief
I will say it again — grief is not time-limited, nor is it linear. Despite the myth that grief happens in tidy stages, in reality, grief does not show up like this. Grieving is messy, it can be loud, it can catch us off guard and completely debilitate us. Grief can also be quiet, stealthy and steady. It can also be all of these things at the same time and then some. Although grief associated with your experience of pregnancy and infant loss will always remain with you in some capacity, there are strategies that you can use to help you process, honour and integrate your loss:
Engaging in mindfulness meditation and grounding techniques for distress and grief can help you hold intentional space to explore the sensations and emotions associated with your unique experience. Mindfulness meditation and grounding techniques can help us regulate our nervous system and realign with our “thinking brain”. Try these:
https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief
https://mindfulnessandgrief.com/meditation-for-grief/
Journalling can help you make sense of the tide of emotions you may be experiencing; or as an act of honouring and memorializing your baby. Try these journalling prompts.
Connect
Connecting with your pillars of support is a super important way to counter the intense feeling of isolation that pregnancy and infant loss can elicit.
If you find yourself requiring professional support, know that help is always available. For crisis support, please contact:
If you would like to book in with one of our trained clinicians for ongoing non-crisis intervention support, please click here:
For more information about pregnancy and infant loss, click here.
As we recognize October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it's crucial to acknowledge the unique and often misunderstood experiences of those who have endured pregnancy and infant loss. The journey of healing is not linear, and the emotions you feel are valid, whether it's anger, sadness, or numbness. You are not alone in this journey, and there are ways to honour and remember your baby, regardless of the stage of loss. Take your time and embrace the messy, non-linear nature of grief. Seek support and connect with your loved ones and professionals when needed. Together, we can break the silence, support each other, and honour the wisdom that grief holds. If you or someone you know is in crisis, there is help available. Let's remember that these experiences change us forever, and we can navigate them with love, compassion, and understanding.
This post was written by wellbe’s social worker Randi Paxton. If you or your children are in need of support, you can book an in-person or virtual visit with our social workers here.