“I’m Never Good Enough”: Spotting Perfectionism
— 3 min read —
Do you constantly feel like you're not good enough, no matter how hard you try?
You’re not alone. Many people carry a core belief that they must always be doing more, doing better, or doing everything flawlessly. This can show up in work, parenting, relationships, or simply trying to be a “good enough” human!
No matter what we do, an inner voice might be on repeat, saying:
You always mess up!
You weren’t good enough!
I can’t believe you did that!
This internal pressure often stems from perfectionism—a mindset that says, “If it’s not perfect, it’s not worth it—and neither am I.”
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do well or having high standards. It’s about striving for unattainable goals and tying self-worth to achievement.
This mindset may have roots in early life experiences, such as being praised only for achievements or criticized for mistakes. It can also become a coping strategy in relating to others:
If I’m perfect, they won’t leave me.
If I’m the perfect parent my kids will be ok.
How It Shows Up
Perfectionism can take many forms. You might notice it in:
Procrastination: Delaying starting tasks because you're afraid of not doing them perfectly.
Overworking: Going above and beyond—often at the cost of rest, relationships, or self-care.
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing anything less than perfect as a failure.
Harsh Self-Talk: Criticizing yourself for even small mistakes or imperfections, or overanalyzing conversations or interactions long after they have happened.
Difficulty Accepting Praise: Dismissing or minimizing compliments because you focus on what you didn't do or downplay your efforts.
Small Steps to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip
While perfectionism isn’t something you “fix” overnight, you can start loosening its grip. Here are some steps you can try:
1. Name It: Notice when perfectionist thinking shows up. Ask yourself: “Is this about doing my best, or about needing to be perfect?” Recognizing and naming perfectionism can be the first step in creating some distance from it.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Speak to yourself the way you would to a close friend or a child. Imagine someone you care about makes a mistake. How would they react if you spoke in a loving and nurturing way versus with harsh criticism or put-downs?
3. Choose Growth over “Flawless”:Making mistakes is how we learn and grow. It’s part of the human experience. Being less than perfect and discussing our failures or missteps with others is a way to connect and develop resiliency.
4. Set Realistic Expectations: It’s okay to have goals, but check in: Are they human-sized, or superhuman? What would you expect from someone else in your shoes?
5. Acknowledge What Went Well: We can get in the habit of hyperfixating on everything that went wrong or wasn’t “good enough” at the expense of noticing what went right. After an event, do you replay one awkward moment or misstep, or can you remember the genuine laugh you shared or the interesting conversation you had?
Therapy Can Help
If perfectionism is interfering with your peace, relationships, or self-esteem, working with a therapist can help you untangle where it comes from and start building a more compassionate and balanced way of being.
Remember: You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. You already are
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This post was written by wellbe’s registered social worker Lisa McManus. If you or your family are in need of support, you can book an in-person or virtual visit with our social workers here.